Tag: life

Training

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

So ever since I started my new job the trains have been a bit terrible. I don’t actually think there’s been a single day they’ve been within a few minutes of being on time both in a morning and evening. This evening everything through my line was cancelled over about a 3 hour period. I was actually seriously considering running home (9 miles/15k) until my dad offered to give me a lift from a station on the other line. I didn’t ask, but he’s retired and he likes to feel useful, I think. If I wasn’t injured I would have just run it. It probably would have been quicker. The train company is going to get an email hearing all about how disappointed I am that my loyal custom does not appear to be valued even though when I changed job I specifically chose to remain in the city centre because of my previously high opinion of the local train service, and by the way I think you should reimburse me for the ticket I bought today to get to a station I didn’t want to go to.

They processed my first delay compensation claim and gave me back £0.10. Yes, 10p. So I immediately put through four more. The web site is a bit of a user interface nightmare (probably on purpose), but I wrote out some JavaScript to populate all the fields so I can just paste it into the console and whiz through it in a few seconds. At this rate, by Christmas I’ll have recouped a pound!

Actually though I feel a lot happier than I should. When this kind of thing used to happen it would usually ruin my whole evening. I used to get very stressed when things weren’t routine and predictable, especially commuting. I would catastrophise it into “am I going to get home today?”. Today I feel pretty calm about it. I just rushed over to an unfamiliar station, bought a ticket at a stupid machine I’ve never used before, and then asked someone where platform 8A was because their signposting was rubbish. Then I went to a station I’ve never been to before and somehow found the car park where my dad was. I did OK, I think. I was a bit concerned because the train route I ended up going on just happens to be Becky’s route, which could have been awkward, but no, I didn’t see her. I’m quite surprised we haven’t randomly bumped into each other yet, given that we’re actually still in close geographical proximity. I remember writing here once before about being frustrated I bumped into her when I was with my mum and how it always seemed to be her, never other random people from the office.

This evening I started the abs rehab program with two sets of front squats, two sets of back squats and two sets of deadlifts, with very low weight. Even so, I expect my legs to feel like lead tomorrow. I also threw in a lot of core and glute exercises. I think most running injuries come down to glutes being weak or inhibited and other muscles taking over to keep the legs and trunk stable, with limited success. There was no hint of any kind of discomfort, which is notable because a few weeks ago I was finding any kind of core work would be at least a bit uncomfortable. That’s not bad the day after a 12k run. Maybe I’m not doing as badly as I think I am.

Hopefully this will help. But maybe I’m just doing squats because my new HR lady referred to my ‘little legs’? We’ll never know the true reason.

The nice and accurate prophecies of Agnes Nutter, witch.

~ e.v. ~ 4 Comments

Sooo… the weekend. My sister started an Amazon prime trial a few days ago, so we have been watching a few things.

Firstly: Good Omens. I read the book years ago. I don’t remember much about it other than I really enjoyed it. Having watched the first two episodes, little of the story has come back to me, but it’s very well done. I was a bit hesitant because I didn’t feel the Discworld TV adaptations ever really captured the magic of Terry Pratchett, but Good Omens has the advantage of being a standalone book without a vast amount of lore that needs to be somehow translated to the screen.

Secondly: The Expanse season 4 episode 1: Ooh ooh ooh. I really, really loved the first three seasons of Expanse. I watched them around this time last year, when my world was an extremely dark place, and a few of those memories have resurfaced, unsurprisingly, but OK… It completely gripped me and I felt it was extremely well done. It reminded me a lot of Babylon 5 in the quality of the writing. There’s a lot going on and the characters are complex and interesting.

The first episode of S4 is a bit bewildering, but so was S1 and I’m sure it’s laying a lot of groundwork that will be rewarded later. I am a bit concerned some of the characters will lose depth though – Amos and Avasarala specifically – in the same way that Tilly in Star Trek Discovery S2 became a bit of a parody of Tilly from S1. We shall see.

In related news, I was stoked a few days ago when they released the full version of the Belter version of Highway Star (which played during the slingshot scene in S2, or was it S3?). The fact they re-did the lyrics in Belter pidgin is fascinating, though it’s a contrast against the very faithful instrumentation. That’s even a single coil pick up on the guitar, isn’t it?

Thirdly: The Death of Stalin. This is a black comedy. With the emphasis on the black part. This is one of those films I watch and I think “why am I watching this?”. Then I get to the end and think “why did I watch that?”. I didn’t enjoy it. It’s hard to articulate why, but I think it comes down to it being two things in one. Firstly it’s an absurd comedy presented as being serious. Airplane with murderous communists, if you like. Secondly, it’s quite an intense political drama. It doesn’t work for me, because the intensity of the politics is so high that it makes the absurdity seem in poor taste, and the political drama is hard to take seriously when it’s offset against such absurdity. A lot of people liked it though. It seems to be a cult thing. But I think it’s one of the worst films I’ve watched start to finish.

Running: Sadly, my abs are still causing me trouble. I don’t get it. It seems very volatile. I was doing OK this past week, but I’m feeling it today after a very gentle run. I sneezed during the run a few times and oh my god I felt that. I got home and did some bicycles; the first set was quite uncomfortable, but the second set was fine. Explain that.

I think I’ll just have to take some time off, but how effective that will be I’m not sure – it got worse when I started my new job and didn’t run for a week (the muscles tightened up, probably), so it’s hard to know what I should be doing. Maybe I’ll dust off the free weights and start doing some squats and stuff again. I think I must have some kind of muscle imbalance and the compound exercises should sort that out, hopefully.

I am at the doctor on Christmas eve so if it’s still causing me trouble I will mention it.

Dreams

~ e.v. ~ 2 Comments

Ever since I started taking Citalopram, I seem to dream a lot more. A few times over the past week I’ve had dreams about my previous job, and then I wake up feeling stressed or angry or resentful or just generally unhappy.

It’s strange. I am still resentful over my previous boss and HR lady. I am actually, in retrospect, really pleased about how I resigned. As soon as I got to work on the first day back from a two week holiday, I sent a very strong mail to my boss saying I’d been told by HR lady I was “valued and respected” and quoted him on saying my work was appreciated by customers, and then I said “it is therefore unclear why my salary has fallen so far behind the market rate and why my professional achievements are not being recognised here” or words to that effect. My boss went into conciliatory apology mode and promised to sort it out, but wanted to make it a bureaucratic process involving people I didn’t work with to review my work and then wanted to interview me with my manager. Four weeks later, he was still faffing trying to organise that and I’d got a better offer from another company who could apparently assess my value with more efficiency, so I gave my notice.

So in summary, I gave my boss a warning that he wasn’t meeting expectations and gave him fair opportunity to remedy the problem, and then I fired him. I’m pleased with that because firstly I did the right thing for myself while being very fair and professional, and secondly there is no way he came out of that thinking he had done the right thing.

The end result is that I’m in a better environment with a company that’s competing at a higher skill level than my previous employer, and I’m earning more. If my ex-boss or ex-HR lady had been more competent then I’d still be working there, which would have been a good deal for them, but a bad deal for me.

So I don’t really understand why I’m resentful over it, but apparently I am, because I keep having dreams about it and I wake up annoyed and it’s difficult to go back to sleep. It seems that it takes more than a month to leave behind seven years of feelings.

Calm

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At work today I learnt that one of my ex-colleagues from my previous job is an ex-employee of my new employer. How bizarre is that? Two colleagues were talking about some work and one said “I think [full name] did that” and I’m like… “wait a minute…”. Apparently he used to work here about four years ago as a developer, but he’s a project manager now. They weren’t entirely complimentary about his work. Maybe that’s why he moved into management. I sent a message to someone I’ve kept in contact with asking to let him know!

Work itself is still fine, but the trains have been frustrating me. They’ve been 15+ minutes late getting home four of the last five days, which is annoying. I’ve started submitting compensation claims for it. I don’t expect to get much money back, but it costs them money to process my claim so it’s the right thing to do.

I’m putting into action the running at lunchtimes plan. I’ve ordered a bigger bag to carry my clothes and a towel, I’ve got a pack of wipes, more deodorant, etc. I’m going to leave a pair of trainers at work instead of carting them back and forth, so I’ve ordered a new pair. Hopefully next week I’ll be running again.

I’m being pretty good about staying relaxed. I’m currently writing this lying in bed on my new laptop (which I bought specifically so I can spend more time lying in bed! I’m not going to feel guilty about being lazy in the evenings), listening to some new music through some bluetooth headphones I bought on a whim about six months ago, but until I got this laptop, never actually found a use for.

Even though the trains were a nightmare tonight and even though starting a new job is supposed to be stressful, oh yeah, and even though HMRC sent me a letter today telling me they’ve reduced my personal allowance to £3k because they have decided the non-PAYE tax that they were too inefficient to take over the last three years has to be paid in its entirety from my income in the next four months (grr – so much for my pay rise.. until April at least)… well apart from all that, I’m actually feeling pretty calm. But let’s give credit where it’s due; I’m sure the Citalopram is helping here.

Work and stuff

~ e.v. ~ 6 Comments

So! Work is going pretty OK. I am actually quite surprised that it’s been OK. I had this nagging doubt that maybe I was just incapable of handling stress and starting a new job would be too much. Nope – it’s been fine, turns out a new environment was exactly what I needed.

I’ve been getting into everything. I feel like I’m starting to make some progress on the work I’ve been given, and I’m very pleased about how much I’ve taken in over the past week. I feel engaged, and it’s been a long time since I felt engaged at work. I am remembering why I used to enjoy programming!

I still see my old workplace every day from the train. Last week when I came out of the station there was an ex-colleague on the other side of the road walking to work. I didn’t speak to him, but presumably one day the timing will be different and I will. I know that one day I’ll see Becky from the train – I wonder how that will feel. Weird, probably. I still feel irritated by my old employer, but it seems much more distant now.

I previously voiced disapproval about the fact I am working until 5:30. I expected it to grate a little, but, actually, that’s been fine too. I stopped running after work because I just intended to get settled in before figuring how to get running back into my routine, and I haven’t started again this week… partially because my ab or whatever is still quite sore. It’s improving, but it’s not 100% yet. I think actually it would benefit from a bit more (gentle) running.

Since I have an hour for lunch now, which I spend wandering around new areas of town, which seem heavily populated by lunch time runners… I’m thinking about running at lunch time. I need to test a routine for this with respect to smellability and invest in some wipes and a bigger bag for a towel and shoes and whatnot (personally: I doubt that it will make me smell bad as long as I stick to easy runs, which is fine. Sweat takes time to smell). It’s just a question of whether my colleagues are ready to see me in my running tights.

New job

~ e.v. ~ 1 Comment

The new job is going OK.

I mean, it’s kind of overwhelming and it’s a new environment and I don’t know anyone, but I went in on day one and on day two I didn’t have the urge to stay in bed, so I’m going to see that as a win. They gave me a pretty meaty task to get stuck into which seemed very ambitious this morning (hello imposter syndrome), but I spent the day researching and… now I think I know what questions I need to ask tomorrow, so that’s progress.

So far it seems like quite a relaxed environment. The previous employer was supposedly a relaxed environment, but in reality the MD was very, very intense and stress inducing and it took me a long time to get used to him. The new MD here does not remind me of him at all, though I haven’t had much interaction with him.

My colleagues seem friendly enough. My immediate manager seems quite easy going and humorous. I don’t know if I’ll form any meaningful relationships with anyone here, because everyone is older than me… but I’m OK with that at the moment.

I’ve done a little bit of small talk with colleagues… I’ve found it quite easy… I’m supposed to be shy and socially anxious… maybe not anymore?

Changes

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I’m starting my new job tomorrow and I’m feeling… OK? A bit nervous, but nothing much. I think this is the Citalopram – sometimes I feel like there’s a big ball of anxiety inside me, but it’s very deep down and it’s being suppressed. It’s distant. It’s very manageable, it’s not taking over, and I feel OK about tomorrow. Actually I’m surprised by how unfazed I feel about it. On a scale of not fazed to very fazed, I’m probably slightly fazed.

The new job itself involves some changes of routine. I’m still commuting by train, just one more stop along the line (which amounts to two-three minutes, maybe). But I’m going from working 8:00-4:20ish to 9:00-5:30. I’m not crazily impressed by the thought of still being at work at 5:30, but, realistically, the hours are not much worse than before, as long as I shift my sleeping patterns and don’t start turning up at 8:15 just because I’m awake. It does open up the possibility of running before work, but we’ll see about that…

Obviously, I currently feel absolutely no attachment whatsoever to my new employer. I remember feeling this way before I started my previous job, and I remember feeling fairly dismissive of the commitment to being employed by them, because “I probably won’t still be there in a couple of years”. Then I stayed there for seven years, and apparently I did get attached.

Here I am again. It’s a strange feeling, really.

Missed

~ e.v. ~ 4 Comments

Yesterday is the first time in he three-ish months that I’ve been taking it that I accidentally missed a dose of Citalopram. I usually take it first thing in a morning and somehow I just didn’t remember until late afternoon, at which point I felt fine so I just left it and didn’t think about it again.

I didn’t notice any difference until I went to bed and about an hour after I’d normally be asleep I was stressing about… work? Lately I haven’t had any trouble at all falling asleep, but last night my mind just wouldn’t stop talking. I didn’t connect the dots until this morning that I was probably starting to experience withdrawal.

Today I had an email from HR lady’s assistant, who I don’t think I’ve ever met. She wanted a password of an account I had, but she started off the email with “I hope you are well”. As she had CCed HR lady, I felt this invited a comment, so I said “I am well thank you – in fact my well-being has recently improved quite substantially. I hope you are well too”. I really wanted to put more detail in there, express surprise that HR had become concerned about my well-being only after I leave, casual reference to the large pay rise my new job has given me, etc… but the “less is more” approach seemed more effective. If I’d seemed bitter it would have been interpreted as a reflection on me, but an unemotional factual statement is hard to argue with. It also subtly undermines HR lady’s “well-being” initiative that she is supposedly launching. I think I’m getting better at this office politics business. Hopefully this is a skill I will not be needing again soon, but it’s useful to have.

Anyway… I told her I couldn’t remember the password.

I also had an email from my new employer’s HR lady (I need a better naming system), giving me a list of things to bring on the first day. Uh oh, it’s starting to feel real!

I have to say that I quite liked the new HR lady when I met her at the interview. She interviewed me but made it feel like a natural conversation. It was only afterwards I realised she had actually interviewed me and not just spent a while chatting. She was very… warm.

Life goes on…

~ e.v. ~ 2 Comments

It’s taken me longer than I expected to start feeling relaxed about leaving my old job. I suppose that’s OK. I was there for seven years and I was definitely upset on Friday about leaving without people seeming to be aware. My last memory of quite a big chapter of my life is one of disappointment. That’s sad, and it makes sense it hurts a bit and it makes sense I’m a bit angry. But that will pass.

It’s made me think more about my life though. I think in the medium-long term, I should be aiming to be self employed. There’s no reason I couldn’t do software consultancy (and do a better job than my ex-boss). Well apart from the crippling anxiety of course. But maybe I’d have less of that if I felt more in charge of my own destiny.

Other stuff: I’m not running as much because I am still having trouble with my hip/ab. I managed a very slow run today without any real discomfort though, so that’s progress. I think I just need to stick to slow runs for a few weeks and keep doing some light core work every day. It feels like an ab muscle strain but it seems linked to my hips in that if I stretch my hip adductor I can feel it pulling in my abs. It’s definitely improved though. I just need to not push it too hard, like I did before.

So I’m spending a lot of time wandering around and drinking tea (not at the same time), which are probably my two other favourite things apart from running.

I’m putting on weight again. This is good, because I am underweight. In fact, one of the things that finally convinced me to start on anti-depressants was the fact my weight was steadily declining. So I’m pleased to see it going back up again. But I have mixed feelings. If it keeps going up, then, one day, I’m going to get on the scales and think “hmm, maybe I am eating too many croissants…”. This is a day I do not look forward to. I really have to get my hip better so I can keep the calories burning and maximise my croissant intake.

Done

~ e.v. ~ 5 Comments

My boss said goodbye to me yesterday as he wouldn’t be in the office today. He apologised for not having sorted out a leaving meal/event for me, no reason given. I had noticed the conspicuous absence of this, but since I’m hardly leaving on great terms, I would have felt weird about it anyway. He also apologised for not having made an announcement that I was leaving but promised that he would.

So I went in today expecting to see the email announcing my imminent departure, and realised I’d been duped. Again. I don’t know why I was surprised – it’s just par the course at this point for the company to let me down.

I said goodbye to a few people, including my manager (note: different person to my boss) whom I’ve had a really good relationship with, but the office was pretty empty today so a lot of people won’t realise I’ve left until they figure out in a few weeks that I’m not on holiday. So I left the company in much the same manner that I’ve existed here for the past year – feeling invisible and unvalued, and as if it’s somehow my fault.

Anyway, that’s all I’m going to write about that. I hope that it’s enough to get my thoughts out and let me move on. I felt quite deflated when I left, but now, this evening, I’m feeling a lot better already. I think the next two weeks are going to be healthy for me.