The weekend was mixed. I did Parkrun on Saturday but I felt quite sick afterwards, and whereas I’d normally continue running another 8-10k, I just walked home. It was the first time I’d run in almost 2 weeks because of an ankle injury, so that was disappointing. But I ran 16k on Sunday just fine, so I was happy with that. It was probably still a side effect from the Citalopram.
More generally I felt pretty bad on Saturday but much better on Sunday.
I elected to take Monday off sick from work. Uh oh, sick day #7 this year. My manager is back on Tuesday, and I’ve run out of motivation for dealing with the client myself when it’s not my job and things aren’t going well. On its own, it wouldn’t be such a big problem, but I feel so uncomfortable in the environment at work anyway due to the whole Becky thing. I think that taking sick days just because I can’t face going to work is a strong sign that I’m not going to be here much longer.
But I did some ‘work’ over the weekend for myself. I am forever recording (guitar) stuff on my phone and then never listening to it or sorting it out because it’s too much effort to get it onto my PC. So I started writing an app to record and automatically upload to a cloud storage provider. In only about 5-6 hours, I’ve got it working end to end, so now all it needs is some GUI polish and I’ll stick it on the Play Store. I have an existing app out there that makes me a few hundred pounds a year, so hopefully this will add to that.
It’s interesting to compare this with work. At work lately it’s been a struggle to achieve anything at all, but here, I’ve got something complex working in an unfamiliar technology in around 6 hours. It’s amazing how productive I can be when I don’t have to waste energy on office politics.
I don’t know if finding another job is the right thing to do at the moment. The past 12 months have been awful for me and it’s only been four weeks since it settled.
The reason I want to leave my current job is very simple: I don’t get along with Becky and being in the same room as her for 8 hours a day can be draining. I don’t feel socially accepted here, which has upset me, but it’s really just her. I don’t have any problems with anyone else and I get along well with most people. I am accepted and respected by everyone else.
But it’s not just that. She happened to add stress to my life at a time when I had too much stress, and having to deal with her on top of everything else pushed me into a breakdown where I had six weeks off work and almost killed myself. There are some strong and confusing emotions jumbled up here.
I don’t know. Today I felt fine. Today I had no problems being around her. I felt confident in myself, and I just avoided speaking to her because she’s a toxic person. She doesn’t deserve my attention and I am not chasing hers. That is as it should be. So, problem solved, today at least. The prospect of switching jobs seemed like unnecessary stress, which I’ve already had enough of.
Bizarrely, something that seems to have helped my comfort at work is putting space between me and my ‘friend’ who upset me before I had the week off. I think that space is me telling myself that I’m more secure now and I’m going to put up boundaries with people who make me feel bad about myself rather than chase their acceptance. I have spent the last 12 months pursuing people’s acceptance because I felt so insecure in myself and my future. I wanted to be accepted so badly by people, some of whom I don’t even have a high opinion of. That’s not who I was before all this happened and it’s not who I am now.
So, job seeking? If I get any interviews from the current round of applications then I’ll attend them just for the experience and maybe I’ll get an offer that looks like a straightforward upgrade to my current job. But beyond that… I am tempted to leave it a few months.
I think I was overly optimistic. The anxiety and nausea I felt yesterday morning was just too much and I couldn’t deal with it at all. It’s too soon and I’m still healing. I am healing, I am making progress and maybe I shouldn’t be disrupting that.