Weekend

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This weekend has been a bit different to normal.

Saturday AM: Parkrun (Okayish time, wasn’t pushing it, but got overtaken on my sprint finish by somebody doing a more impressive sprint finish, which I was a bit miffed about).

Saturday PM: Went to see Downton Abbey. It was my mum’s birthday on Friday so that was part of her birthday celebration. I love Downton Abbey and I enjoyed the film. My one criticism is that I’m pretty sure that Maggie Smith wasn’t just a walking punchline in the series (though she did get a serious scene towards the end). I liked that despite being a film, it was still Downton as usual. It continued naturally from TV, and it also wrapped itself up in as much as a series about a family’s progression through life can ever be wrapped up. They could easily follow it up with more films (and I hope they do!), but they didn’t set it up for a sequel.

Saturday evening: Then we went to a restaurant for dinner afterwards. I had a burger because I’m doing a survey on burgers (actually because when you run as much as I do, burgers being full of protein, iron and calories make a lot of sense, but as this means I virtually always choose burgers when I eat out, it feels like I’m doing a burger survey). It was by far the worst burger I’ve had when eating out. It was small and burnt on the bottom; I was underwhelmed and had it not been for a mix up with the chips giving us a double helping, I’d have been left hungry. I did not leave full of iron and protein, I left full of chips. But I do like chips, so…

Mum had salmon though, and she was quite happy.

(note: the best burger I’ve had is in a fairly expensive restaurant near Torquay, but in second place, and not requiring me to travel 200 miles, is The Boss Burger from Boston Tea Party)

Sunday: 10k race – the reason I wasn’t pushing it at Parkies yesterday. It was a tiny local race that I only found out about a couple of weeks ago because I saw a sign on a lamppost. The course was two laps around a few little country roads and then around some housing estates – not the most interesting course, but not the least interesting 10k course I’ve run recently (cough Birmingham). Not flat but not hilly either. The weather was promising rain and threatening thunderstorms, but we’d had a lot of rain ahead of schedule overnight and at the start time it was just cloudy and muggy. Not exactly warm, but the sweat just sits on your skin so it’s not ideal running weather.

There was a water station half way around and I elected to pour the cup over my head, slightly underestimating just how wet I would get and feeling faintly ridiculous for the next few minutes as all the spectators presumably thought I’d fallen into a river along the way. By the end of the second lap, however, everyone else looked the same because it started raining very heavily. I was ahead of the curve. Someone tried to overtake me on my sprint finish but I was having none of that today, thankyouverymuch. Overall I smashed my previous 10k personal best (from May) by a minute and a half, taking it down to 41 and a bit minutes.

I’ve done a few 10k tempo runs lately which have all seemed like harder work than they should have been for the paces I’ve been hitting, so this was a nice confidence boost for the half marathon in three weeks today.

Improvements

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The events of this week have sunk in a bit more now and I feel OK about it all.

The salary/promotion thing is essentially me cashing in some political capital that I’ve been sitting on for a long time. At my last performance review, in March, I was told that the company isn’t doing well and that was used to justify reducing my pay rise this year. They repeated this to me again in August over a different matter involving a trivial amount of money, which they really made a mess of. I don’t like work politics, but I seem to have been forced into playing that game and I’m playing it better than my employer at the moment.

I don’t know whether this will actually result in anything tangible, but the fact they have decided to review things is an implicit admission that money isn’t quite as tight as they led me to believe.

But that in itself is kind of weird, because it means that the company just lied to my face twice, and they have only been spurred into doing the right thing by me laying down an ultimatum. Am I supposed to just forgive that? I have real trouble with dishonesty. It destroys trust and respect. I forgive very easily when people admit guilt and show an understanding of wrongdoing, but people often don’t, and that makes it hard for me to trust they won’t do it again.

I think a problem for me is that I’m usually quite agreeable and mild mannered, so if I find myself laying down an ultimatum, it’s probably because my trust in the other party has been seriously damaged, and it’s hard to recover from that.

So, as yet, nothing has changed and I have decided to restart my job-search next week. I have had 4 relevant leads from recruiters over the past couple of days so I’ll kick those off over the weekend. I hope I can keep my anxiety in check better than I could last time around. At the moment it seems very simple and unintimidating, but my self-awareness on anxiety triggers has not been very good lately. I’ll be honest though, I really think the citalopram will greatly improve my interview performance this time around. Anxiety or not, I am functioning a lot better socially.

Weight

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Today was the dietitian appointment. She basically told me I wasn’t eating enough, which is both true and something I should listen to, and also missing the point slightly. It’s true because I’m so active. According to Strava I burnt 1000 calories running today. That’s a lot of calories that I need to replace. She suggested sneaking in extra calories with things like full fat milk, which is good.

But my weight was increasing slightly until I went back to work. It’s very suddenly dipped again, so, the GP was right, anxiety is driving my weight problems and the diet is probably not really the issue.

I was a bit mischievous today as I emailed in this morning to announce I was working from home due to an “appointment” which would have me away from my desk for a few hours this afternoon. I had informed my project manager (not my boss) yesterday it was medical, but my boss doesn’t know that. So given that I’ve started a salary negotiation, to him it’ll look a bit like I might be interviewing. I did that on purpose. He also arrived early yesterday, just as I happened to be in the corridor making a personal phone call, which is very unusual for me. It was to my GP surgery, but again, he doesn’t know that.

In related news though I’ve had a bunch of relevant-looking opportunities come through from recruiters and I think I’ll respond and signal interest over the weekend.

Calmer

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SO! Salary email reaction: It didn’t go as planned, but my boss thinks I have a reasonable point and is going to implement some kind of pay grading system and a more formal review process. I don’t know what to expect from this yet, but it seems at the moment that I am being taken seriously.

For now I feel calm and happy. In fact, I feel confident and a little voice in my head is saying “hey, you’ve done well, but cast your net a bit wider and start job-seeking again”.

I don’t understand my moods. I am surprised just how bad my anxiety has been over this. I have booked an appointment with my GP to discuss as I don’t really know how the anti-depressants should be fitting in with this, but I’m a bit surprised that they didn’t take the edge off this at all given that they do seem to be effective in other ways.

For example, I found the discussion with my boss very easy. I felt stressed but I wasn’t distracted by the stress. I think I probably appeared more relaxed and comfortable than I do usually, even though it was a high stress situation.

Citalopram day 35

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Or: Apparently I can’t count. I realised something was amiss as I started on a Wednesday and today is Tuesday and 38 isn’t divisible by 7. Thanks, maths degree. It turns out it’s day 35.

So, I’ve had no response from my boss, but he was in the office today. He had a closed door meeting with Becky earlier which makes me a little suspicious. I wouldn’t be surprised if the delay here is because he forwarded my email to HR lady for her take on it, and she told him I was still upset about the Becky situation, and now he’s trying to get a feel for it via her. I didn’t refer to that situation at all in the email, I kept it strictly about salary and professional opportunities, so any such interpretation is purely his and I couldn’t possibly comment.

I could easily be wrong on that though. I usually am wrong about these things.

I have not found the stress any easier today. I barely slept again and my GI system is distressed (like the rest of me). I actually put on some weight when I was on holiday; I had my BMI up to 19.6, but now it’s back down to 19.2.

So I still feel my stress responses are out of alignment. Worst case scenario: my boss comes back and says “no”. Then I’m no worse off than I am now. Some anxiety is understandable, but I shouldn’t be losing sleep (and weight) over this.

I am confused because I’m not sure if the citalopram should be giving me better results than this. The GP told me that you often have to try a few antidepressants to find the right one. I think I should make an appointment to discuss this.

I have noticed something though: I find it a lot easier to just speak to people. There’s no feeling of awkwardness about it anymore. So… I am still experiencing a lot of stress but I seem to be functioning better socially at the same time?

Citalopram day 37

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Or: these things aren’t as strong as I thought they were.

Today has been stressful. It was the first day back at work today and this afternoon Becky was wandering around the office making sarcastic comments about bullying and how it “wouldn’t be the first time” she’d been accused of it. I didn’t hear the context that led to her being in such a conversation, but her remarks were obviously aimed at me because I made it clear on one occasion in the past that I considered her a bully. I should have opened the pack of fruit pastilles in my bag and had one at that point, because that’s what my counsellor and I discussed – when she does these things, reward myself with sugar. Reframe it. But I totally forgot about their existence until later, and instead I escaped to the toilets.

How to prove you’re not a bully: Make sarcastic comments belittling someone else’s feelings over something they said a year ago.

I did email my boss regarding salary/promotion. He had sent an email before I got in saying he wouldn’t be in until the afternoon, so I hesitated, thinking “do I want to be waiting all morning for a meeting?”, but I pressed ahead anyway and sent it first thing.

The final email went like this:
Paragraph 1: Recent achievements, observation that I’m functioning well above the role I was hired for 7 years ago
Paragraph 2: Recent complimentary comments from him and HR lady
Paragraph 3: Say “it is therefore hard to understand” why my achievements aren’t being recognised professionally and my salary has fallen behind its market value
Paragraph 4: Close by saying I hope the company will resolve this “confusing inconsistency”.

I read it back later just before I left and I was pleased that it was diplomatic while also pinning it down tightly. There’s no real wiggle room; any resistance will devalue the words in paragraph 2. A valuable tip I’ve picked up from my counsellor is when someone’s “words and actions don’t align” (a phrase of hers), the way to draw attention to this is to focus on the confusion it causes.

My boss replied shortly afterwards and said “thanks for your email. I will respond in due course – lots of meetings this week”. It feels like “thanks for your email” is slightly undermined by then not bothering to write in full sentences.

He then decided he wouldn’t be in the office after all today. Coincidence? Who knows.

I am anticipating resistance. I expect him to tell me that the company’s not doing well and the currency is causing us additional expenses, because I’ve heard all this before. I’m not sure where this goes if he chooses this route, because the job ad I saw yesterday for an assistant role advertised a generous salary higher than mine, and the exchange rate argument is unsupported by the actual exchange rate.

I very much hope that he doesn’t put me in a position where I have to find a way to diplomatically call him dishonest, but if he does I’ll throw in the facts (job ad and exchange rate data) and again express my “confusion”. But at that point the negotiation will have taken a sour turn so let’s hope he doesn’t lead it down that path.

Overall I have found today quite difficult and I am not sure if the citalopram has really helped much.

My watch’s interpretation of my stress level today is pretty bad:

My sleep last night was dreadful – I slept from 10:00PM – 1:00AM then woke up and only started dozing at about 3:00AM, with frequent waking up for the rest of the night.

Back to normality

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Or: citalopram day 36.

I’m back at work tomorrow after two weeks off, and needless to say I’m not really looking forward to it. I have found myself getting nervous every time I think about the fact I want to start a salary/promotion negotiation with my boss.

The market rate for my skills is about 50-60% higher than what I’m currently earning. I was incensed earlier when I saw that the company has posted an advert for an assistant role, with a salary higher than mine.

So I’ve decided I’m just going to go for it. As soon as I get to work tomorrow morning, after scanning my inbox, I will be sending my boss an email instigating the discussion. I was thinking “maybe I should wait til later in the week, and get settled in again”, but no. The timing is an opportunity. Who starts a salary negotiation the day they get back from a holiday, before they’ve even got settled back in? Someone who’s prepared to NOT get settled back in – that’s who.

The email I’ve drafted is succint and factual but I’ve also referenced a few complimentary things that have been said to me informally lately and questioned why I’ve experienced no career growth in the past seven years and why my salary is now well below market rate. I closed it by saying that I hope the company will “resolve the disappointing inconsistency between its words and actions”, which might get softened tomorrow morning, but maybe not.

Musical interlude:

So, how’s the citalopram going?

I feel very stressed when I think about this impending meeting. I think about the things my boss might say, the ways he might rebuff me, and I feel helplessness, anger and anxiety. That’s no different to before. The difference is this: And then I stop thinking about it.

Citalopram day 28

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Today I went back to the doctor because I have almost finished my first prescription of Citalopram. Apparently I’m up to day 28 now; doesn’t time fly?

I don’t know for sure how it’s affecting me because I’ve just had a week on holiday, I’m off work this week, so all in all I’ve had an easy few weeks.

I think I’m doing better though. My perception is that I still experience anxiety more than I should, and in the moment it still feels unpleasant, but I am able to function much better while I’m experiencing it. To me, it feels like a very subtle change. My mum thinks I’m doing a lot better though and has commented so a few times. She thinks I’m appearing happier, more relaxed and chattier and more like my old self.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed another two months’ supply. I’m a bit surprised she didn’t just give it to me on repeat, but OK.

Holiday

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So!

I haven’t posted for the last week because I’ve been on holiday. My parents asked me a month or two ago if I wanted to join them on holiday, and I’d usually say no because who wants to do that?, but this time I said yes because maybe I do?

I didn’t know how it would go and I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I don’t have the best relationship with my dad. I’ve always found him difficult and he’s got more difficult since he retired and doesn’t get as much human interaction as he used to. My relationship with my mum is really good, but we’re both quite sensitive to each other’s moods and we can be a bit volatile because of it.

It went pretty well though. There was one day I got grumpy because I was bored and hungry, but other than that it was good. I strongly suspect that the antidepressants helped out here and kept me a bit more amiable than I would usually have been when we weren’t doing things that I was particularly interested in.

We went to an English seaside town, which I won’t name for anonymity. The town itself was a bit tacky and touristy but we were staying in a village a mile or so outside of it which was nice. We went on some long coastal walks, which I really enjoyed.

I have written here before about my love for running, but I love walking just as much. I’ve always been quite active, but when I had problems last year I ramped it up as I found it theraputic. I still walk A LOT and get kind of grumpy if I don’t. Covering about 80 miles a week on foot (walking + running) is normal for me. I’m slightly addicted to Pokemon Go as well.

We came back Saturday after finishing the holiday with some Parkrun tourism (mum’s a Parkrunner too), which was really enjoyable. I won’t say which Parkrun, but it was smaller than my local one and I got a Parkrun PB on the flatter course with a very low finish number, which I was really pleased with.

It was interesting to see the difference in Parkruns; my local one is almost like a military operation in how it’s run whereas this one was very relaxed and maybe a bit more inviting because of it? But it’s also much smaller, so there’s that. Anyway, it’s inspired me to start branching out to do more Parkrun tourism.

Now I need to get up to date with everyone’s blogs.

Citalopram days 11-13

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The side effects seem to have settled down entirely now. My sleep is normal and the dreams have gone. Tiredness is hard to guage as we curently have a heatwave and I’ve been doing a lot of running, i.e. yes I’m tired but that’s expected. Nausea has disappeared and the not-quite-dry mouth isn’t something I’ve noticed recently.

Am I starting to feel better? I have no idea at the moment.

I’m still having trouble switching off from non-immediate worries. My mind is currently fixating on the fact that I have decided I ‘should’ initiate a promotion/salary negotiaton with my boss in a few weeks, which is stressful. But I have holiday before then so it’s still at least three weeks away. I don’t need to think about that right now. And yet, I am. I ended up drafting an email yesterday just to try to get it out of my head, which helped.

I’m guessing that the main way I’ll understand whether or not I’m feeling better is that I’ll look through these old blog posts and think “hmm, that doesn’t really bother me anymore”.