Worries

June 9, 2019June 9, 2019 ~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

So I think I concluded in the last two posts that work is really not a good environment for me. I mean, obviously I had already decided that since I’m looking to move, but this just solidifies it. When I had the big news a few weeks ago that everything outside work was going to be OK, I expected to take a few months and see how things go at work, but it’s just not going to happen. I have too many bad experiences and memories here and I effectively spend all day being anxious because of things that I’m probably overreacting to, but not necessarily. I don’t think I’ll heal until I move, and if I stay here, eventually I’ll be having a bad day and something small will tip me into having a meltdown.

I am still worrying about the message I sent to my ‘friend’ saying I find Becky threatening. I am worried that he’ll blab it and I’ll get in trouble for it. It’s unlikely, but it’s hard to shut off the worry.

I realised I am sitting on an excuse though, if I need it. I have a recent prescription for an SSRI, which “I’ve just started taking” and it’s well publicised SSRIs can make you feel more anxious and panicky before you feel better. There we go. Add in Becky’s recent rudeness and the fact I recently mailed HR asking for a meeting and/or advice and got rebuffed and it all fits together neatly. That makes me feel a bit better.

(In reality I’m not taking them because I think the idea that I need to be medicated in order to go to work is not a concept that I should be entertaining when I probably wouldn’t need them in any other workplace)

…And today’s not great either

June 8, 2019 ~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

Hmm. My terrible mood from yesterday flowed into today, but I realised I what I was actually most annoyed about was my friend at work and the way he spoke to me yesterday. He told me I was being ridiculous getting upset by rudeness from Becky, he said I do the same to her (???) and said if it was anyone else I wouldn’t care. This was in a slightly heated conversation in WhatsApp. I got pissed off with him and I told him that I feel threatened by her because of things said and done in the past and being around her all day is actually really difficult.

Proving him entirely wrong in as much as I really can get upset with other people too, I was still so annoyed with him today that I just deleted WhatsApp without checking if he’d replied. I felt a lot better after that. I only used it to speak to him and I’m not going to reinstall it.

So I felt a lot better until the anxious part of my mind starting whirring and piped up with “what if he shows other people the messages and you get in trouble?” and now I feel very unsettled again. Why would he do that…

Not every day can be a good day

June 7, 2019 ~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

So today was my last ‘normal’ day at work. I have next week off and then it’s serious job-seeking mode. I’m fully expecting to hand in my notice in a matter of weeks rather than months and to be honest I can’t wait.

I made a LinkedIn profile which might passively yield some results before I start being more active in a week’s time and I’m pleased with it. I even put a photo on there. I don’t know if my employer will notice this, but if they do, it’ll be pretty obvious to them I’m intending to leave. That could lead to an interesting chat with my boss.

But to be honest, today was dreadful. I don’t really know what was wrong, I just felt terrible all day. I was very easily irritated by Becky and I had to go and stand outside a few times to calm myself down. My friend at work was completely unsympathetic and basically told me I was insane, which is pretty rich coming from him. I felt unsettled all day.

And then after I got home I learnt that my great auntie passed away this morning, which wasn’t altogether unexpected and she’s been in a pretty bad state for a while now, but… it’s still a shock.

Work

June 4, 2019 ~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

There’s been yet more Becky drama over the last few days…

Yesterday she was handling introductions for a new starter, as she does. She got to me and described me as “assisting” my manager. This is one of those things… yes, technically, I assist him, but my job title is software developer, and you could argue that he assists me in achieving the development of software. I let it go, but anyone else would have just referred to me as a developer and I do think there was a certain amount of passive-aggression in there. This is a big improvement though, she used to just skip over me during rounds of introductions! If this happens again I’ll stop her and say “Becky, if you aren’t sure what my job title is, perhaps you should ask”.

Today we passed each other on the stairs and I said hello to her. She ignored me. Then without thinking I said “Aren’t we speaking to each other then?”, and she ignored me. I was really annoyed by this and after going back to my desk for a few minutes I decided I needed to go back outside and have a 5 minute walk, which did help. Later on we passed each other in the corridor and she tried very hard not to make eye contact, until she did, then quickly looked away. She is so outwardly self confident around everyone else, yet with me she’s a strange mix of extremely rude and extremely timid. I wouldn’t have the self confidence to be as rude to anyone else as she is to me, and yet, a total lack of self confidence is also not an unreasonable interpretation of her behaviour. I find this very confusing.

I’m a bit worried I’m going to have an awkward chat with HR … “Becky says you were rude to her on the stairs….”, but I’m proud of myself for saying it. It shows I’m getting some self confidence back.

I’m a little bit wary of HR’s involvement here. The HR lady and Becky went out for lunch together a few weeks ago which seems like glaring conflict of interest since she’s supposed to be ‘mediating’ between us. The email I sent last week didn’t go anywhere. I asked for a meeting but didn’t get one (phew), but HR offered to ‘relay my concerns’ to Becky. I agreed to that, but I didn’t get any confirmation or acknowledgement either from Becky or HR. It was obviously important enough to me that I sent an email about it – why don’t I get an acknowledgement? I’m left feeling that Becky and/or HR thinks my concerns are unimportant.

I’ve put my CV together and I’ll be proceeding with a very serious job hunt as soon as my week off (next week) is over. I have no idea how long it’ll take. It’s the kind of thing where I could have another offer in two weeks, or maybe it’ll take three months.

I have a good friend at work who knows a lot of the ins and outs of the Becky saga. I’m in two minds whether to tell him about my job search. He has been quite leaky in the past, but there is some value in starting a rumour I’m leaving. Becky and I used to be good friends and I’d like to not leave on bad terms with her… I’d like to think that if she thought I was leaving she might put things behind us… but I’m probably being naive.