So I think I concluded in the last two posts that work is really not a good environment for me. I mean, obviously I had already decided that since I’m looking to move, but this just solidifies it. When I had the big news a few weeks ago that everything outside work was going to be OK, I expected to take a few months and see how things go at work, but it’s just not going to happen. I have too many bad experiences and memories here and I effectively spend all day being anxious because of things that I’m probably overreacting to, but not necessarily. I don’t think I’ll heal until I move, and if I stay here, eventually I’ll be having a bad day and something small will tip me into having a meltdown.
I am still worrying about the message I sent to my ‘friend’ saying I find Becky threatening. I am worried that he’ll blab it and I’ll get in trouble for it. It’s unlikely, but it’s hard to shut off the worry.
I realised I am sitting on an excuse though, if I need it. I have a recent prescription for an SSRI, which “I’ve just started taking” and it’s well publicised SSRIs can make you feel more anxious and panicky before you feel better. There we go. Add in Becky’s recent rudeness and the fact I recently mailed HR asking for a meeting and/or advice and got rebuffed and it all fits together neatly. That makes me feel a bit better.
(In reality I’m not taking them because I think the idea that I need to be medicated in order to go to work is not a concept that I should be entertaining when I probably wouldn’t need them in any other workplace)