Offer

~ e.v. ~ 2 Comments

So, I had an interview last night. I was kind of interested, but they wanted me to do a homework challenge and return it by Monday morning, and, after looking at it, I realised I just didn’t have time. If the challenge’s requirements came in at work I’d have estimated at least a week for it, and here I am with only four days, two of which I’m at work, one of which I’m running a half-marathon(!) and the other I don’t really want to spend in front of my PC working… because I’ve spent a lot of energy on interviews this week and I need space to relax. I decided after much deliberation (at approximately 3:50AM, which is of course the optimal time to solve your life issues) that it just wasn’t going to happen.

This morning I had another interview, which went really well. I knew it was going well when, after the technical interviewer left, instead of the first interviewer coming back to wrap up as he said he would, the HR lady came in. And then at the end of that, she said “I really want you to meet the managing director”. It was supposed to be approximately one hour involving two people, and it became two and a half involving four.

The managing director was a touch eccentric and after giving me a broad overview of everything, offered me the job there and then(!). I said the answer is almost certainly yes, but give me a day or so to think about it. So there we go. I’m intending to accept it tomorrow.

The one thing that concerns me is that I had quite a lot of time off sick last year and that may show up in a reference, but I would like to think that won’t be disclosed. ANXIETY.

Staying afloat

~ e.v. ~ 2 Comments

I had an interview yesterday and it went ok. I don’t know if they’ll offer it to me, but that in itself is positive.

I have a phone interview this evening.

I have another face to face tomorrow too.

I don’t know any more on the salary negotiation front.

I’m feeling slightly overwhelmed at times, but I’m trying to not place too much importance on any one of these things. I’ve shown myself that I can get interviews, that I can do at least okay at them, so eventually someone will offer me something.

I still feel very stressed though.

Demand

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

I had another call with a recruiter this morning who’s now put me forward for two jobs, both of which sound like possibilities. On top of that, I have three more recruiters who want to speak to me about relevant looking opportunities. I’m a bit overwhelmed to be honest. I can’t realistically do more than two interviews a week because it involves working from home or taking time off work, so next week is fully booked. Normally I would have replied to one of those three recruiters today, but I’m trying to throttle things a bit.

So I think, realistically, for the first time in my professional life, the employment market seems good for me and I should find something else quite quickly.

In related news, since I worked from home on Wednesday my boss has suddenly started being very nice to me. I think he thinks I had an interview (I didn’t – it was a GP appointment), which is going to make next week interesting…

Progress?

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

It’s all happening! As of today, I have:

2 interviews scheduled for next week (both face to face)
1 application that has been has been deemed ‘a match’ by the recruiter and forwarded on today
1 application that’s been forwarded that I’m really pretty pretty sure I should get an interview for. If I don’t, then either they’re not still hiring or the hiring manager already knows me and really hates me (lol).
1 application that has been deemed ‘a match’ by the recruiter, but he wants to call me first, as recruiters do (I have asked him to call me tomorrow morning)
2 recruiters wanting to speak to me about about roles, one of which looks very relevant

In related news, when I got to work I had an email from my boss apologising for the delay on the salary negotiation business and saying that any increase in salary I gain will be backdated to 1st October. But I think he’s missed his chance. I’m actively looking now and I don’t think I’m going to stop until I find something else.

Mood: Improving.

Pathways

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

I saw my GP today about anti-depressants. She suggested upping the dose, but I decided to leave it for the moment. She said that she would have expected me to feel a bit more level, but equally, finding another job might be a better course of treatment.

So there we go – medical advice: Quit my job.

I chose to leave it for the moment because I’ve set a lot of wheels in motion and due to the unpredictable nature of job-seeking, I might have an offer by the end of the week. Or maybe I won’t get one for four months. It’s worth getting a better feel for the market before deciding to make any adjustments, I think. I’ve sent off two applications today, and responded to another recruiter who emailed me asking to set up a call with me.

I figured out what I wanted to say to HR lady when the opportunity arises. It goes like this, and will also be CCed to my boss (and hers):

The last intervention the company staged to this situation was in March. In absence of any management of the situation since then, it unfortunately became necessary for me to begin taking anti-depressants.

You will understand therefore that I no longer trust the company sufficiently to feel comfortable in pursuing this matter further.

And that last line just says it all, doesn’t it? It’s something that keeps tripping me up in relationships. People lose my trust, and then I spend months circling around that fact and trying to work out how to rebuild it, when in reality… I can’t. It’s up to the other party. They caused the problem, they have to resolve it. I can move on, I can forgive them, I can go on without resentment… but I can’t rebuild the trust so the relationship can’t continue.

Mid week relief

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

I have two job applications on my to do list, which I’m aiming to do tomorrow as I have a day off am working from home. I’m also aiming to get in a long run. As you can tell, I am very enthused about my job and work very hard. It will be the last long run before my half marathon next weekend, in fact, so I think tomorrow is my last chance.

The reason for the working from home is that I have a GP appointment to discuss my anti-depressants, but I am thinking of just starting to work from home regularly one day a week as a matter of course. I’ve been doing it probably every other week for a while now due to a seemingly never-ending series of medical appointments, and it’s definitely good for my mental health. Or, maybe what I really mean is: unlike being in the office, it’s not actively damaging to my mental health.

Life

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

First, job-seeking stuff: I have a pretty good looking lead on a job from a recruiter. He sent me the job spec and I look almost perfect for it – there’s a lot of boxes and I’m ticking most of them, including a few of the “nice to haves”, so I’m feeling quite optimistic with this one. The only downside so far is that it’s based in a little village about 4 miles away, which means… I need to buy a car. But that’s OK, I think. 4 miles on quiet-ish roads sounds like something I can cope with. (I think this is the anti-depressants talking – I have always found the prospect of driving quite scary)

I have another couple of leads too. One requires a long winded application process, which I’ve been trying to do in work time today, and some of that I will be able to recycle for another one (which seems less good, because the commute is longer).

Second, work: I’ve had a huge conflict in my head about what to do about the Becky situation after the salary negotiation (which hasn’t moved on yet) and I’ve settled a bit as I’ve come to a conclusion. When the time is right and opportunity provides me with context (and I expect two such opportunities within the next month or so), I’ll be cryptic and remark that it has become clear to me that my efforts seeking improvement are better spent elsewhere. I’ll have to think about phrasing, but I like this approach because it’s just a statement of fact. It expresses that I am unhappy but I have come to accept that is not under my control. It’s an ultimatum, and my employer’s response dictates the outcome. I definitely feel calmer for reaching this decision. Of course, I need to see the outcome of the salary ultimatum first.

Third: I haven’t slept properly since last Tuesday. With all the running I do, I sleep about 9 hours a night usually. Lately I’ve been anywhere from 4 to 7 hours. 7’s not too bad, but it’s not what I need, and my resting heart rate is up which isn’t good. I feel a bit happier tonight, so I’m hoping tonight is the night…

Insomnia

~ e.v. ~ 4 Comments

I thought the anxiety of the last few days was finally passing, but here I am, lying in bed on Sunday night with my heart pounding as I try very hard not to think about having to go to work tomorrow.

I am not sure I can keep doing this.

Citalopram week 6

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

Or: I lost count of the days, so we’re on weeks now.

I don’t feel like I’m doing very well. I was miserable at work today; stressed, tense, wanting to be anywhere but work. I am stressed about this salary negotiation, which has gone very quiet. Usually my boss is quite efficient and prompt. Long periods of silence usually imply HR lady’s involvement, who is not efficient at all. What’s going on? I am worried they are going to be holistic and make the connection that it’s really about Becky and the fact she’s made the workplace quite unpleasant. There have been hushed voice meetings between the usual suspects. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m trying to put myself in my boss’s shoes. Here is someone who’s obviously not been happy and who has had meetings with HR and burst into tears over nothing very much. This employee is not mentally well. They go on holiday for two weeks then out of nowhere they put out a very assertive ultimatum over salary. My boss isn’t stupid, HR lady isn’t stupid, they both know that Becky has pissed me off enough that I’m prepared to walk, but the sudden calm and self assured assertiveness is probably a mystery (thanks anti-depressants). So they think “how do we defuse this if salary isn’t really the issue here?”. It’s not an easy situation to navigate for them. And let’s be honest, they weren’t really up to the job of navigating it when it was much simpler. If they want to retain me they need to solve both issues at once, but they can’t, really, can they?

I feel anxiety at not having any real indication of how the company is playing this. I’ve partially revealed my hand, but they’re making me wait for theirs. But no, they can’t solve both issues at once, because I haven’t given them an opening. It’s all implied subtext which is purely their own interpretation. Which is good, because I expect better outcomes if I keep them separate.

I was upset by the email I drafted the other day. I was angry at the time and I went all-in. It ended up a long-ish document of all the things the company has done wrong in the past six months. All the times they’ve said they’d do something then done something else. All the times they’ve committed to doing something and then not bothered to do it and just waited for me to complain before giving me excuses; the total lack of professionalism and respect shown towards me. It reads like a constructive dismissal case. It upset me. I shouldn’t still be here. The company does not deserve me. It’s not really ‘the company’ though. My boss is mostly straightforward in his dealings with me. The problem is HR lady, who just seems completely inept on every level.

Supposedly HR lady is working on some kind of mental health/well-being initiative within the company. The snarky response to that announcement writes itself…

I came home today and I cried. It’s been a while since I cried. I am glad I have a GP appointment in a few days to discuss the antidepressants. I don’t feel I’m coping as well as I could be. But maybe that’s OK, because anti-depressants aren’t supposed to fix shitty employers. That’s more alcohol’s domain.

But I am coping well enough to keep pursuing other jobs. I’ve had a lot of contact with recruiters in the past few days. That’s a big thing for me. Social anxiety used to make me a bit avoidant. I’ve started replying to any recruitment email I get, even ones that aren’t relevant, and telling them exactly what I’m interested in. I’ve had a couple come back and say “Oh! Actually we have clients in your area”.

One told me that the way tech recruitment tends to work at my level is that a lot of employers are willing to interview candidates when they come onto the market rather than posting adverts and waiting for responses. So it’s worth spending time getting my CV and requirements in front of recruiters. Even if they are a bit spammy.

Posts from the email drafts folder

~ e.v. ~ Leave a comment

Yesterday I saw my counsellor for the first time in about a month. For readers who aren’t aware, my employer is currently paying for a block of five sessions of counselling for me because they don’t really know what to do about Becky and it’s kind of a token gesture that they give me a bit of external support instead of having to actually do anything internally. I probably sound ungrateful but there’s a lot of politics involved here and it’s not a straightforward case of “employer does the right thing”, because actually, they cancelled the sessions and didn’t even tell me (they left it for counsellor to tell me, which I found very unprofessional and disrespectful) and then re-instated them after I queried how that was consistent with a previous assertion they’d made about wanting to support my mental health. It’s frustrating that they can’t do the right thing without first doing the wrong thing and forcing me to confront them over it.

Everything is always a fight with this company.

And on that subject…

One of the things that came up with my counsellor was the impending confrontation between me and my employer when they inevitably decide not to renew the funding for the counselling, again. Yesterday was session three of five (I thought it was four, which was why I was getting a bit nervous). Talking it through with her, I came to the conclusion that by the time it comes up, it’s the right time to start pushing for some improvements internally. She has previously pointed out that it’s HR lady’s job to smooth things out between me and Becky. I’d been thinking about that. It is her job. I’m actively job-seeking again now, just because HR lady isn’t giving me any route towards de-escalating tensions. HR lady has the authority to change this. I don’t. So the company is going to lose me, just because… she can’t be bothered? She doesn’t want to aid confrontations? I don’t know, but she’s not acting in the company’s interests and she’s not acting in my interests.

Essentially it’s phase 2 of the salary negotiation. First we secure a market-rate salary instigated by means of a “We both know I can find something better” ultimatum, then I start another negotiation instigated by a “we both know I can find something better” ultimatum. It’s kind of cocky, because my position in the first negotiation is helped by the subtext of the Becky situation adding credence to my implied threat to leave, and then afterwards, I’m going to say “oh also, I need this completely separate situation fixing too”. But it works, because they’re both valid and stand-alone points. Anyway, the company has given me this ammunition; it would seem impolite not to use it.

I actually started actively job-seeking again today and had a call with a recruiter, so I’m comfortable making ultimatums.

I was thinking about it today and ended up drafting an email in anticipation. I feel a bit happier seeing my points laid out on paper, because it shows me I can form a convincing argument. Once it’s written down and it still looks convincing, you know you’re onto something.

But… Let’s be honest, the reason I’m writing this is because this whole subject gets stuck in my head and it makes me angry. The antidepressants aren’t really helping with this, and maybe they shouldn’t. Maybe my anger is justified and normal, and it would be unhealthy if I wasn’t experiencing it. I think that’s probably right on some level, but… I don’t want to be angry.