Pathways

I saw my GP today about anti-depressants. She suggested upping the dose, but I decided to leave it for the moment. She said that she would have expected me to feel a bit more level, but equally, finding another job might be a better course of treatment.

So there we go – medical advice: Quit my job.

I chose to leave it for the moment because I’ve set a lot of wheels in motion and due to the unpredictable nature of job-seeking, I might have an offer by the end of the week. Or maybe I won’t get one for four months. It’s worth getting a better feel for the market before deciding to make any adjustments, I think. I’ve sent off two applications today, and responded to another recruiter who emailed me asking to set up a call with me.

I figured out what I wanted to say to HR lady when the opportunity arises. It goes like this, and will also be CCed to my boss (and hers):

The last intervention the company staged to this situation was in March. In absence of any management of the situation since then, it unfortunately became necessary for me to begin taking anti-depressants.

You will understand therefore that I no longer trust the company sufficiently to feel comfortable in pursuing this matter further.

And that last line just says it all, doesn’t it? It’s something that keeps tripping me up in relationships. People lose my trust, and then I spend months circling around that fact and trying to work out how to rebuild it, when in reality… I can’t. It’s up to the other party. They caused the problem, they have to resolve it. I can move on, I can forgive them, I can go on without resentment… but I can’t rebuild the trust so the relationship can’t continue.