Citalopram week 6

Or: I lost count of the days, so we’re on weeks now.

I don’t feel like I’m doing very well. I was miserable at work today; stressed, tense, wanting to be anywhere but work. I am stressed about this salary negotiation, which has gone very quiet. Usually my boss is quite efficient and prompt. Long periods of silence usually imply HR lady’s involvement, who is not efficient at all. What’s going on? I am worried they are going to be holistic and make the connection that it’s really about Becky and the fact she’s made the workplace quite unpleasant. There have been hushed voice meetings between the usual suspects. I don’t know what’s going on.

I’m trying to put myself in my boss’s shoes. Here is someone who’s obviously not been happy and who has had meetings with HR and burst into tears over nothing very much. This employee is not mentally well. They go on holiday for two weeks then out of nowhere they put out a very assertive ultimatum over salary. My boss isn’t stupid, HR lady isn’t stupid, they both know that Becky has pissed me off enough that I’m prepared to walk, but the sudden calm and self assured assertiveness is probably a mystery (thanks anti-depressants). So they think “how do we defuse this if salary isn’t really the issue here?”. It’s not an easy situation to navigate for them. And let’s be honest, they weren’t really up to the job of navigating it when it was much simpler. If they want to retain me they need to solve both issues at once, but they can’t, really, can they?

I feel anxiety at not having any real indication of how the company is playing this. I’ve partially revealed my hand, but they’re making me wait for theirs. But no, they can’t solve both issues at once, because I haven’t given them an opening. It’s all implied subtext which is purely their own interpretation. Which is good, because I expect better outcomes if I keep them separate.

I was upset by the email I drafted the other day. I was angry at the time and I went all-in. It ended up a long-ish document of all the things the company has done wrong in the past six months. All the times they’ve said they’d do something then done something else. All the times they’ve committed to doing something and then not bothered to do it and just waited for me to complain before giving me excuses; the total lack of professionalism and respect shown towards me. It reads like a constructive dismissal case. It upset me. I shouldn’t still be here. The company does not deserve me. It’s not really ‘the company’ though. My boss is mostly straightforward in his dealings with me. The problem is HR lady, who just seems completely inept on every level.

Supposedly HR lady is working on some kind of mental health/well-being initiative within the company. The snarky response to that announcement writes itself…

I came home today and I cried. It’s been a while since I cried. I am glad I have a GP appointment in a few days to discuss the antidepressants. I don’t feel I’m coping as well as I could be. But maybe that’s OK, because anti-depressants aren’t supposed to fix shitty employers. That’s more alcohol’s domain.

But I am coping well enough to keep pursuing other jobs. I’ve had a lot of contact with recruiters in the past few days. That’s a big thing for me. Social anxiety used to make me a bit avoidant. I’ve started replying to any recruitment email I get, even ones that aren’t relevant, and telling them exactly what I’m interested in. I’ve had a couple come back and say “Oh! Actually we have clients in your area”.

One told me that the way tech recruitment tends to work at my level is that a lot of employers are willing to interview candidates when they come onto the market rather than posting adverts and waiting for responses. So it’s worth spending time getting my CV and requirements in front of recruiters. Even if they are a bit spammy.

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