ANXIOUS II

I’ve received and accepted the job offer formally now, so tomorrow I am handing in my notice.

Tomorrow is significant for a number of reasons. Tomorrow marks:

7 years to the day since joining the company
1 year to the day since moving desks to get away from Becky
4 weeks to the day since initiating a salary negotiation, which, as yet, has not yielded any results

Under normal circumstances I would have started moving to leave this time last year. I remember saying as much to my counsellor. The moment I moved desks was a signal that things were seriously broken and I felt annoyed with myself for putting up with it. But I was also experiencing some severe emotional trauma outside of work – hence seeing a counsellor – and adding the stress of a job search into the mix would probably have killed me (literally).

I have felt some regret today over what tomorrow will bring, but then I remembered all the times over the past year that Becky has been rude to me, and suddenly it feels a lot easier to leave. The truth is that I’m doing a lot better handling this on the medication than I was, but as the reason I eventually caved in and starting taking it was to manage workplace stress, it would be completely inappropriate to allow my employer to benefit from my medication. I promised myself two months ago when I started taking it that, if it helped, I would use it to help me manage the stress of a job search to find a better workplace. I’ve had a lot of self doubt and I wasn’t sure I believed myself at the time. I was having serious self doubt last week when I wasn’t sure I could handle all the interviews. But the thing is that although I still feel anxiety (and far more than I’d like), it doesn’t cripple me.

But I followed through on my promise to myself, and I am proud of that. I stood up for myself, and it’s important to do that every so often. Just to remind yourself that you can.

So, it’s one year overdue, but here we are. I’m resigning tomorrow. I won’t say I feel happy about it, but I am completely confident it’s the right thing to do.

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