I expected after handing in my notice that work would get a lot easier. What I’ve actually found is that I’m suddenly extremely unmotivated, and, so far, I resent still being in a toxic environment for the next four weeks. I think I was upset I didn’t get a counter offer. I had started to feel very unvalued here and this just seemed to confirm my opinion was accurate. I think I resent being here slightly more now, because I see it as a one-sided relationship that needs terminating. As the meditations tell me, I deserve better.

I’ve been very confused about my emotions over the past few days. They have been a lot stronger than I thought they would be. As usual I have too many things going on at once and I don’t know what’s causing what. Finalising the offer and arranging my start date with my new employer felt a bit stressful (just because), handing in my notice felt extremely stressful, anticipating a counter offer and trying to figure out my terms was stressful (and unnecessary), and… I ran a half-marathon on Sunday which has definitely increased the stress my body is under (recovery) – my resting heart rate still isn’t back to normal! I don’t know what’s causing me to feel what.

Anyway. I have set my finish date to 15th November and my start date is the 25th, so that’s all sorted, I get a week off between the two jobs, and I can just sit and wait now.

So far nobody knows I’m leaving except my boss, my project manager and HR lady. Boss might have told Becky too, I’m not sure. I’m curious to see if Becky tries to make things up with me before I leave. It’s a lose/lose situation, because I’ve always been of the opinion that she’s not actually a nasty person, she’s just a bit broken in her own way and I’ve just been an unfortunate victim of her own problems. So if she doesn’t try to part on better terms then I’ll feel I was wrong on that. On the other hand, if she does try to make up with me, I’ll probably tell her to fuck off, because… too little, too late, you know?

I don’t know what I’ll tell people when it becomes public knowledge. I’m leaving because I got a better offer?

Actually, I went and got a better offer because I’m leaving.

6 thoughts on “Expectations

  1. I like the way you rephrase it at the end. You deserve better than a job that makes you ill. A lot of people say they’re leaving because they got a better offer. Jobs don’t often find the person, you have to be looking in the first place. Congratulations on the new job, enjoy the week in between. I’m off to read about your citalopram experience.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Nik!

      I need to write an update of my citalopram experience. I don’t really think about it much anymore – I just take the tablet every morning and that’s that. I had a few side effects to start with (nausea, dry mouth, weird dreams, and, err, difficulty orgasming), but all of that has since worn off and I don’t notice any negative effects at all from it now. The positive effects have been quite subtle, but it’s definitely helped me.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’ve read your posts and you mention about panic symptoms. The doctor and pharmacist both warned me that you can feel worse before you feel better, but that’s a good sign (somehow?!) and it should improve in a few weeks. The nausea and dry mouth for me actually sorted themselves out much quicker – less than a week.

        How many days have you been taking it?

        I’m taking it for anxiety rather than depression (though I probably have been depressed too), and I was never sure if I had increased anxiety symptoms or not. My anxiety was so unpredictable anyway, and sometimes very intense, it was hard to say whether it was worse than normal.

        So… obviously it’s all a very personal experience and I can’t say if it will work for you, but what I can say is that I was very unsettled by the idea of taking a drug to alter my mind initially, but, now, a few months later, I can look back and say it was definitely the right thing for me to do. It takes time to see an improvement, and I’m glad I made the ‘investment’.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you, & thanks for reading my posts. I’m glad I’m taking them, even if I have to try a few. Today is much better & I was much calmer when I woke up (& the headache didn’t last as long). This is only day 4 so I know it’s early days & it’s roughest at the start.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I’ve been reading your citalopram posts but this is the only one the comment was accepted by the site for (log in issues). I’d like you to know I’ve found your posts useful, though I’m sorry to hear of your toxic environment at work.

        Liked by 1 person

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