Month: September 2019

Back to normality

~ e.v. ~ 3 Comments

Or: citalopram day 36.

I’m back at work tomorrow after two weeks off, and needless to say I’m not really looking forward to it. I have found myself getting nervous every time I think about the fact I want to start a salary/promotion negotiation with my boss.

The market rate for my skills is about 50-60% higher than what I’m currently earning. I was incensed earlier when I saw that the company has posted an advert for an assistant role, with a salary higher than mine.

So I’ve decided I’m just going to go for it. As soon as I get to work tomorrow morning, after scanning my inbox, I will be sending my boss an email instigating the discussion. I was thinking “maybe I should wait til later in the week, and get settled in again”, but no. The timing is an opportunity. Who starts a salary negotiation the day they get back from a holiday, before they’ve even got settled back in? Someone who’s prepared to NOT get settled back in – that’s who.

The email I’ve drafted is succint and factual but I’ve also referenced a few complimentary things that have been said to me informally lately and questioned why I’ve experienced no career growth in the past seven years and why my salary is now well below market rate. I closed it by saying that I hope the company will “resolve the disappointing inconsistency between its words and actions”, which might get softened tomorrow morning, but maybe not.

Musical interlude:

So, how’s the citalopram going?

I feel very stressed when I think about this impending meeting. I think about the things my boss might say, the ways he might rebuff me, and I feel helplessness, anger and anxiety. That’s no different to before. The difference is this: And then I stop thinking about it.

Citalopram day 28

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Today I went back to the doctor because I have almost finished my first prescription of Citalopram. Apparently I’m up to day 28 now; doesn’t time fly?

I don’t know for sure how it’s affecting me because I’ve just had a week on holiday, I’m off work this week, so all in all I’ve had an easy few weeks.

I think I’m doing better though. My perception is that I still experience anxiety more than I should, and in the moment it still feels unpleasant, but I am able to function much better while I’m experiencing it. To me, it feels like a very subtle change. My mum thinks I’m doing a lot better though and has commented so a few times. She thinks I’m appearing happier, more relaxed and chattier and more like my old self.

Anyway, the doctor prescribed another two months’ supply. I’m a bit surprised she didn’t just give it to me on repeat, but OK.

Holiday

~ e.v. ~ 2 Comments

So!

I haven’t posted for the last week because I’ve been on holiday. My parents asked me a month or two ago if I wanted to join them on holiday, and I’d usually say no because who wants to do that?, but this time I said yes because maybe I do?

I didn’t know how it would go and I wasn’t really looking forward to it. I don’t have the best relationship with my dad. I’ve always found him difficult and he’s got more difficult since he retired and doesn’t get as much human interaction as he used to. My relationship with my mum is really good, but we’re both quite sensitive to each other’s moods and we can be a bit volatile because of it.

It went pretty well though. There was one day I got grumpy because I was bored and hungry, but other than that it was good. I strongly suspect that the antidepressants helped out here and kept me a bit more amiable than I would usually have been when we weren’t doing things that I was particularly interested in.

We went to an English seaside town, which I won’t name for anonymity. The town itself was a bit tacky and touristy but we were staying in a village a mile or so outside of it which was nice. We went on some long coastal walks, which I really enjoyed.

I have written here before about my love for running, but I love walking just as much. I’ve always been quite active, but when I had problems last year I ramped it up as I found it theraputic. I still walk A LOT and get kind of grumpy if I don’t. Covering about 80 miles a week on foot (walking + running) is normal for me. I’m slightly addicted to Pokemon Go as well.

We came back Saturday after finishing the holiday with some Parkrun tourism (mum’s a Parkrunner too), which was really enjoyable. I won’t say which Parkrun, but it was smaller than my local one and I got a Parkrun PB on the flatter course with a very low finish number, which I was really pleased with.

It was interesting to see the difference in Parkruns; my local one is almost like a military operation in how it’s run whereas this one was very relaxed and maybe a bit more inviting because of it? But it’s also much smaller, so there’s that. Anyway, it’s inspired me to start branching out to do more Parkrun tourism.

Now I need to get up to date with everyone’s blogs.