Doubts, indecision and mood swings

Second thoughts…

I don’t know if finding another job is the right thing to do at the moment. The past 12 months have been awful for me and it’s only been four weeks since it settled.

The reason I want to leave my current job is very simple: I don’t get along with Becky and being in the same room as her for 8 hours a day can be draining. I don’t feel socially accepted here, which has upset me, but it’s really just her. I don’t have any problems with anyone else and I get along well with most people. I am accepted and respected by everyone else.

But it’s not just that. She happened to add stress to my life at a time when I had too much stress, and having to deal with her on top of everything else pushed me into a breakdown where I had six weeks off work and almost killed myself. There are some strong and confusing emotions jumbled up here.

So…

I don’t know. Today I felt fine. Today I had no problems being around her. I felt confident in myself, and I just avoided speaking to her because she’s a toxic person. She doesn’t deserve my attention and I am not chasing hers. That is as it should be. So, problem solved, today at least. The prospect of switching jobs seemed like unnecessary stress, which I’ve already had enough of.

Bizarrely, something that seems to have helped my comfort at work is putting space between me and my ‘friend’ who upset me before I had the week off. I think that space is me telling myself that I’m more secure now and I’m going to put up boundaries with people who make me feel bad about myself rather than chase their acceptance. I have spent the last 12 months pursuing people’s acceptance because I felt so insecure in myself and my future. I wanted to be accepted so badly by people, some of whom I don’t even have a high opinion of. That’s not who I was before all this happened and it’s not who I am now.

So, job seeking? If I get any interviews from the current round of applications then I’ll attend them just for the experience and maybe I’ll get an offer that looks like a straightforward upgrade to my current job. But beyond that… I am tempted to leave it a few months.

I think I was overly optimistic. The anxiety and nausea I felt yesterday morning was just too much and I couldn’t deal with it at all. It’s too soon and I’m still healing. I am healing, I am making progress and maybe I shouldn’t be disrupting that.

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