The other problem with work, apart from the social side of it, is the overwhelming feeling that I’m wasting my time here. I’ve been here 7 years and I haven’t progressed in any measurable way. It’s hardly surprising that I don’t feel respected by certain coworkers when my employer obviously doesn’t respect me either. Nobody else in the 7 years has been promoted, so it’s not me personally, but it’s still a problem.
The whole situation adds up to say that the company doesn’t value me, and it’s bad for my self esteem to continue working for a company that doesn’t value me – because, what does that say about me?
I was talking about this to my mum. She was horrified when I said I’d started taking anti-depressants, and, in fact, her extremely negative attitude towards them was one of the things that put me off taking them initially, because I didn’t want to deal with her disapproval (note: I know this is a bad reason).
I think she’s starting to ‘get’ it all a bit more. I told her this weekend that the most recent doctor said we were probably focusing on the wrong thing by looking at my diet for reasons as to my weight loss. I have been tracking my weight quite closely since June and I’ve lost 0.4kg since then. Mum was a lot less negative about anti-depressants this time when I mentioned the doctor again suggested I take them – she said “how do you feel about that?”, and she also said that if my job was causing me physical health problems then that’s not good and she’d support me quitting. Which is good, because, like I said, I don’t want to have to deal with her disapproval.
I feel like I’ve gone around in a circle and I’m still in the same position of “do I quit, or do I try anti-depressants?”. The two aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive. I am hoping that if I started anti-depressants, they’d give me the strength and motivation to get a better job. At the moment, that just feels difficult. It takes me all of my work related energy to be at work. I don’t want to come home and then start stressing about applications and interviews.
But I also see a possible alternative route in that at some point soon I will have an opportunity to voice career progression related discontent to my boss. The project I’m on is almost finished and some time in the next month or so there really should be a discussion about what I’ll be allocated to next. This gives me a natural opportunity to point to my achievements over the past 18 months or so and express surprise and/or disappointment that I haven’t been recognised for them and officially given a more senior role. It might go nowhere, but that’s good in itself because it makes things clear. At the moment I feel I’m probably wasting my time at this company, and this discussion will remove the uncertainty. The timing is bad because the company’s finances don’t seem to be doing too well, but equally, I bring in a lot more money than I cost the company, so they’ll be doing even worse if I leave.
It’s worth pursuing that a bit just because it would piss Becky off if I got promoted.
2 thoughts on “Work”
So, seriously, there is no shame in trying meds. I absolutely get “not wanting to deal with disapproval” – story of my life – but all that ever got me was crying on subways. At this point, if advocating for the choices you make about your own care to your family is overwhelming, I’m actually the type who would ask, “do they need to know you are even taking them?” Because you are an adult, and you have an adult’s right to the best care possible for *you* with a right to privacy. We get conditioned that our health is everyone’s business, but it isn’t. Meds aren’t a panacea, but I am an advocate of “why not do everything that might lessen the daily struggle.” Keep interviewing for jobs, and try to advocate for a promotion, and try meds (usually more than one because they are an imprecise science and rarely is the first guess the best final option), and try self-compassion and “recovering from bullying” workbooks and therapy and just about anything and everything else. Your health is fundamentally yours, and only you live with it. Nobody else’s approval matters more than your own health and happiness. Also, you have a reasonable right to privacy. There is nothing shameful in taking meds, but if your own bully-in-your-brain isn’t quite ready to be a public mental health advocate and have the world feel they have the right to comment on your choices, it’s an ok and self-compassionate choice to just not tell people you take them if they seem like the type to (inappropriately) shame you for it.
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Ahhhhh… I know you’re right. I have a lot of anxiety over taking them because I don’t really know what the effects will be and the side effects worry me, but having a lot of anxiety is kind of the issue… I think I need to give them a serious try just to see if they help, though, because I’m just going to go back and forth until I do.
Thank you so much for the comment, I needed to read it. I will definitely look into recovering from bullying workbooks – do you know of any specifically you’d recommend? Bullying is definitely a significant part of my issues and I’m not recovering so far…