I went into work this morning feeling fine. It took about half an hour before my stomach had mysteriously become upset again, and 3 hours before I had to leave the office and take a walk just to get out of there.

I learnt today that there was a company social event over the weekend, which I knew nothing about. Who was in charge of organising that? Oh right… Becky. It’s just school-girl bullying. Exclude, isolate…

Perhaps unsurprisingly, HR lady didn’t speak to me after all. I don’t know how to interpret this. Doesn’t exactly make me feel included or non-isolated though.

If the gastroenterologist advises against taking SSRIs on Wednesday then I’m not really sure what’s going to happen. I don’t feel that I’m functioning very well at work at the moment and I don’t have a plan for changing that. Currently I think it is likely I will leave before I find another job.

So…

I don’t have a plan for changing anything but there are events that can change things and I’m holding on for these.

1. If gastro says the SSRIs should be OK then I’ll be starting them Wednesday evening most likely. Maybe they’ll help, maybe they won’t. I don’t know.

2. Otherwise, the only thing that could change anything is the last counselling session the company will pay for, which will happen next Tuesday. My counsellor will inform the company at which point they really really really should speak to me and let me know whether or not they intend to extend it.

Personally though I want to tail off the counselling. It was helpful when I was going through a lot, but I’m not sure anymore. I’m not learning to cope with things. I’m getting overwhelmed and switching into apathetic depression. I think I need CBT now, but the CBT waiting list is going to be 3-4 months on the NHS. I have a phone call about this tomorrow…

The problem is at the moment any HR meeting is going to go like this:

HR: “Hello eevee, how are-”
EV: “Why haven’t you spoken to me in the last six weeks?”
HR: “Er well-”
EV: “I asked you for a meeting six weeks ago. How do you think this makes me feel?”
HR: “Well, I, err-”
EV: “You know there’s a problem, you know I’ve been struggling. You should be checking up on me”
HR: “Well I’ve been quite busy”
EV: “OK, I’ll tell you how it makes me feel, it makes me feel that this company doesn’t care whether or not I keep coming to work”
HR: “Oh we do care, I promi-”
EV: “I shouldn’t have to be proactive here. That’s stress for me and it makes me feel that you’re not taking me seriously. It should you being proactive. Don’t you care what kind of environment you’re providing?”

And so on.