I had trouble getting to sleep last night and then I woke up super early and couldn’t go back to sleep, all because I was stressed and dreading going to work – is she going to be rude to me today? will I be able to handle it? After getting up I very impulsively decided to restart the Citalopram because something’s got to give at some point.
The doctor I saw last week advised me to try half-dosing to 10mg for a week or so, as I was concerned about side effects, so I did that.
lavenderandlevity (whose blog is incredible) convinced me yesterday that unless I actually give the tablets a fair chance, I’ll always be wondering if I should be taking them. Even if I quit my job tomorrow and removed all my immediate stress, I’d still need to get through a job-search at some point and I’m not entirely convinced I would actually do that at the moment, versus just… not bothering.
So, I took it this morning, and I have felt…
Physically, pretty rough: I am tired (hardly surprising given I haven’t slept much), nauseous (this is definitely the tablet) and my tongue feels weird. I think my appetite is a bit suppressed by the nausea. Hopefully this will pass in a few days.
Mentally though I’ve felt quite calm today. But this may just be the effects of the resolution to the meds or no meds argument that’s been going around my head continually.
So.
I need to promise myself something here. If these help and I start feeling calmer, I need to not use them to mask the fact work is a toxic workplace. I need to use them to instead give me the confidence to get into a non-toxic workplace so I can come off them ASAP.
I also need to be very careful about stomach bleeding, which SSRIs can exacerbate. I have always linked my occasional bleeds to running, so for the next week or so, I need to ‘stress test’ myself here, because if they are going to cause more bleeding, I need to know about it before my body starts to build a dependency on them. I did 11k this evening at a hard-ish pace (uanffected by the nausea, apparently), but the real test will be when I do 16-17k over the weekend.
Rambles 
Leaving a toxic work environment in which I experienced bullying and victimisation from the top based upon my mental health (which obviously derailed my mental health even more!) was the best decision I ever made. It was so stressful and scary and I worried if it was the right thing to do as I left before finding another job but quitting was so empowering! Taking back the control and saying that my wellbeing and health must be a priority and I am worth more than the treatment I received honestly saved my life. You will be so much better off that you won’t even know how you functioned in such an environment for so long once you’re out. Stay strong! xx
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Hi Charlie. Being bullied by a superior, especially for mental health, sounds dreadful. It’s so bizarre how unprofessional employers can be. My employer claims to be supportive over mental health, but they aren’t really. Not consistently anyway. Their handling of this has caused me a lot of additional stress and they aren’t supportive over the bullying at all. They recently told me I need to take more responsibility myself for my happiness at work, which is just… urgh. Like you said, quitting is taking back control. I’m not sure how else I can “take more responsibility” other than leave.
I actually left my previous job (7 years ago now) without having anything else lined up, and you’re right, it was very liberating, and never once did I think “I wish I’d stayed there longer”. I suppose I care more about my career than I did back then though.
Thank you for the lovely comment. I hope you are doing better now.
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