So… I bit the bullet, or more precisely the pill, and took my first dose last night. I had trouble sleeping but otherwise felt OK until this afternoon when I started feeling headachy and nauseous, but it’s not too bad, and, let’s be honest, it could just be anxiety. I’m not sure if the sleep problems were the tablet specifically or just the fact I was worried about finding out what the side effects were. I woke up at about 2:00 and I knew I was supposed to be worried about something, but I couldn’t remember what for a while.
But…
I’ve had second thoughts. All my problems are work. Work is an unhealthy environment. I felt wonderful when I had a week off. I felt just like myself again. The answer isn’t to take medicine, it’s to remove myself from the unhealthy environment. Medicine is a decent second option if you can’t do that… but I can.
The fact is that I’m lucky. I can take a few months being unemployed with no significant effect on my finances. Most people don’t have that luxury. I’m panicking because I feel trapped, but I’m not trapped.
I don’t have to do anything right now, but if I do find myself needing to do something, I can quit. I’m not trapped. It’s OK.
Now… if I get another job, in a new environment, and find I still can’t cope, then that’s a different story. But I think for now, it’s worth entertaining the hypothesis that the environment is a bigger problem than me.
Rambles 