Citalopram day zero

Trigger warning: suicide, down at the bottom.

LIFE updates!

Phone call with IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapy) was fine and I’m on the CBT waiting list, which is going to be a few months.

Gastroenterology appointment was OK. He was concerned my haemoglobin levels had dipped at my last blood test (March) and had me do another one today. He mentioned the possibility of long term iron supplementation, dependent upon the results. I think they’ll be OK. In the words of David Lee Roth, I don’t feel anaemic.

He (the doctor, not David Lee Roth) is drawing a blank on the cause of the bleeding but suggested that if/when I next have active bleeding I could go to A+E and they might be able to do some kind of immediate test. He called it a ‘scan’, which sounds a lot less mechanically intrusive than jamming a camera down my throat.

I asked him about the SSRIs and he said it would likely be fine.

So I’ve decided to start taking them… tonight. On the way back from the appointment I was coming up with excuses why I shouldn’t, but the fact is that I’m not OK and I need to admit this. For the past couple of weeks I’ve felt dreadful. At the moment I feel light headed, spaced out, my stomach is very unhappy and I had so much nausea this morning when minor things at work stressed me. I feel like I’m actually physically ill when at work, and magically better over the weekends. I’m still worried about side effects, but let’s just rephrase that a moment – I am anxious about side effects. That comes with the territory, doesn’t it?

The hospital itself was a strange experience. Firstly, my mum met me from work and we went over there on the bus, but before getting on the bus I took her on a tour of the graffiti near my workplace. The graffiti is of the extremely talented street-art variety, not just random tags. That was fine. What wasn’t fine was running into Becky. I felt like… I’d left work for the day, I was with my mother, it was personal time. Why you are here, Becky? Your presence is intrusive to my personal life. That’s how I felt when I saw her face on my phone when it notified me she was looking at my social media. Why does it always have to be you? Why is it never James or any other random colleague? It’s always you.

So that was uncomfortable. We just ignored each other, because why would you say hello to someone when you can just stalk their LinkedIn profile instead.

And the hospital itself…

The last time I was at that particular hospital was December. I felt dreadful at the time. I was anaemic, work seemed to be imploding around me, and I had the other issue in the background. I felt absolutely awful that day, everything was getting too much, and the day after, I decided to kill myself (and suddenly felt a lot happier). Obviously, I didn’t do that, but this was how I felt during that period of my life. I remember after the appointment going through the car park feeling that life as I knew it just seemed to be drifting away from me. Wandering through the car park today was a bit of a surreal experience. I didn’t remember it until I was there.

7 thoughts on “Citalopram day zero

  1. Do you ever look back at your old posts & see how far you’ve come? Did you get on the CBT (& are you finding it useful)?
    Being ill at work & magically better over the weekends seems like such a “get out of there!” scream. I’m so pleased for you that you have your new job to look forward to & that you did get out of there x

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah actually I just got the first appointment for the CBT, but… I decided to withdraw from it.

      Partly because I just don’t think I need it anymore – I think the tablets have levelled me out enough and as I’ve now got away from my old work place I think it’s probably not necessary.

      Also because (and this is a bad reason) I didn’t really want to deal with asking for time off from my new job for the appointments. If the timing was different and I’d been there a few months then I might think differently, but going in on the first week and announcing I need regular time off seemed like maybe something I didn’t want to do! (though I might have felt differently if I really thought I needed it).

      If I later decide I made the wrong choice on this I might just pay for a private CBT therapist who does evening or weekend appointments.

      And actually – no I don’t usually re-read my old posts, but I’ve just re-read this one because you’ve commented it, and you’re right, I’ve come a long way! I had forgotten I felt like this… and now I remember feeling like this… and I definitely don’t feel like this anymore. My counsellor always used to say that when you’re well it’s hard to remember what it was like being ill (and vice versa).

      Liked by 1 person

      1. If you need it then I imagine you can sign back up to it, just the waiting list is long. Private might be better, & then you’re not limited to CBT.
        I find that’s one of the beauties of blogging, it’s a useful diary. Now I’m feeling better I struggle to remember what it was like to hide under the duvet. One day I even phoned in sick from under the duvet! I can’t imagine what that was like. Glad you can see the progress you’re making x

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you 🙂
        Several people have commented this week about how much better I sound. My speaking voice is more interesting & varied than when I was too bored of it to talk. Here’s to continued progress for all of us!

        Liked by 1 person

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