I saw the GP today about my bleeding and she basically just told me to phone the consultant and badger them for my next appointment, which is… ok I suppose.

But she also asked me about the anti-depressants I was prescribed a couple of months ago (which I haven’t started taking). I gave her the full story of where things are for me, and she said that using them now as a means to get myself into another job would be entirely appropriate. She was enthusiastic about it actually; she was completely convinced they will significantly help my current situation. She’s also referred me for CBT, but that’ll be a few months on a waiting list.

I need to think more about this really, because at the moment I think I’ve lost my optimism that anything will improve. I’ve had things to hang on to up until now.

This will get better because….

Because the big issues will go away. They did, but the effects don’t just disappear overnight.
Because I will find a new job. I will, but when?
Because I will learn to handle things better. That’s not happening on its own.
Because time heals wounds. Even when they’re being poked and prodded every day?

I feel like I’ve run out of options, and the SSRIs give me another route forward.

One thing that concerns me is the “you’ll feel worse before you feel better” standard warning. That’s a can of worms right there, and, really, I should say something to my employer I think, just in case there are any Becky incidents.

But I am doing better. Am I being premature? Should I just wait a bit longer?

It’s all a feedback loop. If I felt better, I would handle things better and things would improve. Equally, if I feel bad, I am likely to handle things badly and make things harder for myself.

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