I often find Wednesdays a bit harder than other days. Last Wednesday I woke up at 4:00 AM and had some intense stress and nausea over the job seeking, which surprised me a lot, because the previous evening I’d been telling my counsellor all about it and feeling happy and optimistic. Based on that I decided to just suspend any active effort on my part last week, and based on that I decided to see her again this week instead of leaving it another week.
I felt fine at work yesterday. Even my watch agreed my stress levels were low.
So I felt quite content and secure yesterday evening telling her all about my change of plans, and she agreed that avoiding unnecessary stress for the next few months was probably a sensible thing. She thinks I have a bit of PTSD, which seems like a serious term for being a bit stressed… but I don’t know. There’s a thin line between being a bit stressed and having a meltdown. I’m never quite sure where I am on that spectrum anymore.
Fast forward to today and I feel unsettled again.
Maybe it’s because my counsellor asked me about the future. Where do I see myself in two, five and ten years? I’ve been seeing her for almost a year but she surprised me with that question. I think I said “errr”. I don’t have plans for the future. My current plans for the future are limited to:
1. I should buy some Bluetooth headphones but I’m not sure which ones,
2. I am going to buy a new guitar but I’m not sure which one,
3. I need to sign up for a new investment fund but I’m not sure which one,
4. Maybe I’ll get a new job but I’m not sure which one.
There are things I haven’t done which seem like “grown up” things that I should aim to do, but I’m not doing them because they wouldn’t actually improve my life. Maybe I felt a bit guilty about that. Maybe I feel guilty I’m not actively looking for another job like I said I would. She reminded me that I’d previously said I’m not paid enough and I’m not challenged. I did say that. And it’s true. I’m coasting in a job I’m not sure I want to stay in.
She also asked about romantic desires. I drew a blank on that as well. I said that if the right person came along then I could see myself in a relationship, but “the right person” is an abstract idea right now. Maybe I feel guilty that I’m not going out and putting myself in situations where I might meet “the right person”. To be honest I just never think about it. I just don’t feel the urge.
Plus, my recent forays into “people” have not gone very well, all things considered.
Tomorrow is supposed to be the Becky meeting. I had ’27th June’ in my head, but I wasn’t sure why. Today I checked through my emails and there it was – a calendar invitation from back in May for tomorrow afternoon. Cancelled – that’ll be why it was only a vague idea in my head. But no, wait, it says it was cancelled at 2:00AM today!
HR lady works strange hours. She has sent me emails at gone midnight. When she’s in the office she usually turns up at about 11, takes lunch at 3 and seems to leave about 7. I don’t know what compels a 40 year old woman to run her life on those hours, but anyway…
So I’ve no idea what’s happening here. Why was it cancelled? The communication at this company is non-existent really. I expect she’ll be in the office as planned and she’ll speak to me about it… but… who knows? I went through it all in my head while I was running this evening. I feel prepared for it, but I also feel so pessimistic that Becky and I are going to reach an acceptable outcome for me that I just don’t really want to deal with it.